Kids say the darndest things!

C overheard me in a moment of weakness complaining about someone eating extremely unpleasantly in a Chinese restaurant.

Dad: "Oh my God I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't stop that."

C: "Dad. Why would we want to kill someone INSIDE a restaurant?"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I hate the smell of stink!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have a hypothesis that Mom is actually the Easter Bunny and when I'm sleeping she puts all this stuff out all over the house."

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Teacher is a job not to kill kids, but to love them and to teach them."

- C (age 8)

Apologies you never want to have to offer.

"Oh, 'Trip the light fantastic!' Sorry, I thought you said 'rip the tight elastic'."

Xan Shui
Philosophic Philanthropist, Honest Man

Kids say the darndest things!

Mom: "C, do you know what is the state tree of Ohio is?"

C: "Uh..."

Mom: "The Ohio State....."

C: "Buckeye!"

Mom: "Yes. And the state song is?"

C: "Uh... Let me see...The American Idol?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Nobody eats poop except Nikki's dog..."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "1 x 11 = 11. 2 x 11 = 22. 3 x 11 = 33..."

Mom: "C, do you see a pattern with multiplying times 11?"

C: "Uh...yeah...there's 11 more each time."

Dad: "Nice. That's a great pattern. I think mom means do you see another pattern?"

C: "Yes, I have to poop."

- C (age eight), M (genius), Dad (laughing his ass off)

Kids say the darndest things!

I asked C to write some song lyrics today. After explaining that song lyrics are the words that go with music, she immediately lit up. "Oh, ok, can I use your computer?" Here is what she typed in about 5 minutes:

My summer ends
by [C]

My summer ends and the peaceful night is through
I don’t know what to do ‘cause I’m stuck with you
Summer is the time when my snake had come to me
it turned out to be weird but she was satisfied with me
I had tried to make my move but I had to much summer to waste
and to much stuff to do
I had tried so many things other than try on my new bathing suite
But now it’s time the time it is Now
its time to make my summer end

(This song is afishely dedecated to my Mommy & to my Daddy).
I love you mom & dad!

Mom's say the darndest things!

M: "Have you started slicing the strawberries yet?"

Dad: "I'm done."

M: "Wow."

Dad: "Nothing takes a boy a long time."

M: "That's not true."

Dad: "Thanks!"

Mom's say the darndest things!

"Dude, there is NOTHING that can make my ass look lopsided..."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what is the Holy Grail?"

Dad: "Well, it kind of depends upon your point of view. Do you know what that means?"

C: "Yeah, it's kind of like the difference between the Last Supper and the Last Dinner."

Dad: "Yep. X'actly."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, this says that baldness is hair-de-tary"...

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "We need to work together. We're a team and there's no 'I' in 'team'."

Me: "Well there's no 'U' in 'team' either!"

I woke up wondering where the hockey stick came from.

Kids say the darndest things!

Messin' with C.

Dad: "How are you doing, kitty?"

C: "Are you talking to me? I'm not a cat."

Dad: "Ok, let's check. Cats have two eyes, you have two eyes. Cats have one nose, you have one nose. Cats have two ears, you have two ears. See, you're a cat."

C: "Uh. Dad. Cats have big whiskers and I don't have big whiskers."

Dad: "Ah. You're right. You're not a cat."

C: "Right."

Dad: "...you're a cat who shaves."

C: "DAD! Look. Do I have a tail? Cats have tails!"

Dad: "Oh! You're right. You don't have a tail so you can't be a cat. You must be a gorilla!"

C: "DAD! You're driving me crazy! Look at me. Am I big and fat and hairy?"

Dad: "Yep."

C: "Well that's just plain mean and I'm not talking to you anymore."

- C (age eight) and Dad (age five) :)

Moms say the darndest things!

"I want to divide the roosters and egg-laying chickens from the non-egg-laying chickens."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Hey! We have a mystery! My toothbrush is gone!"

Mommy: "I know where the toothbrush is."

C: "Ah, so YOU're the thief!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Whoa! Snot does NOT taste good!"

- C (age eight, with a cold)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does 'strict' mean?"

Dad: "Well, it's when someone sticks very closely to the rules."

C: "Oh. So 'strict' is a contraction for 'bossy and mean'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy (after having performed a few fake high-fives with C, missing intentionally): "Whoa! It's like you're a ghost or something! You're the ghost with the most!"

C: "No, I'm the ghost with the most French Toast!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Hey C, can I do something inappropriate to Mom?"

C: "That's up to her."

Dad: "What?"

C: "Don't ask me. Ask her!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Wow! You looked just like Gammaw when you did that!"

C: "Well, I'm not a redhead, I don't have short hair, I don't have pale skin and I'm not very old!"

- C (age eight)

Mom's say the darndest things!

"What the fuck planet are you living on people? Do you not have cable?"

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does lamb taste like?"

Daddy: "Lamb tastes kind of like funky beef."

C: "Why would it want to dance?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Pocket God is a game for the iPhone in which you play the role of "God" with respect to a small island populated by pygmies. You can make new pygmies, feed them, give them shelter, make tidal waves, control the weather and night and day, throw them off the island and a host of other benevolent or not-so-benevolent actions while they go about their business. It's really cute and C loves playing it.

Daddy: "So you're pretty good at that game. What's your secret?"

C: "I just try to leave an even amount of people dead."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy (observing C pushing as hard as she can on a closed door): "C, why are you pushing on that door?"

C: "No clue."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Yesterday we had dinner at a local restaurant. It was very cold and snowy. There was a frozen puddle in front of the door of the establishment that I asked her to watch out for. Walking home, I reminded her of the ice by the door and later had to warn her not to step in a large puddle that had formed in the parking lot.

C: "Dad, if it's cold enough to freeze water outside, why is the puddle by the door frozen and the puddle in the parking lot not frozen?"

Dad: "That's a really good question. I'm not sure I know the answer."

C: "I knew you were going to say that."

Dad: "Oh really. How did you know that?"

C: "Because that's what you always say when I ask a REALLY good question."

- c (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I can spell big words."

Daddy: "No you can't."

C: "Yes I can. A-S-T-R-O-L-O-G-I-C-A-L - astrological."

Daddy: "That's a big word."

C: "Can you spell 'oops'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

(looking at the TV)

"Oh! Astronauts! I sooooo want that job! And I also want to be a poet! And I also want to be a singer! And I also want to be a teacher! Ohhhhh! There are SO many cool things to do!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I love this one movie with Jackie Chan! It's called 'Shanghai Noon'. I think that's Chinese."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"No no no, Darth Vader, you are going to have to wait. Your ship isn't done yet. And NO choking your son!"

- C (age eight), talking to a miniature Darth Vader while putting together the Lego Darth Vader Tie Fighter she got for Christmas.

Dads say the darndest things!

M: Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

Me: I dunno. All I know is he's Catholic.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Oooooo yeah, you wanna piece o' me?"

- C (age eight), playing the first fight scene in her Lego Indiana Jones game on PS3

Kids say the darndest thing!

"I spy with my little eye some things that look dead."

-C (age eight) playing I Spy in December in Ohio.

The answer was: The trees.

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "You don't have a clue."

C: "I have ALL the clues!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"She's like a girl version of Jackie Chan!"

- C (age eight, watching the beginning of THE MATRIX)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Sexy is a mostly inappropriate word that I should know right now."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I'm not going to do drugs and turn into a crazy person who can lose their mind very easily and be very sensitive sometimes!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I was angry because she was trying to convince me that she was right about everything. Nobody is right about everything. And I know I'm right about that."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

The Stars
- By C

"When I wake up I see the stars above me and they look so bright
And when they shine the energy flows through my body
And then a wind comes and somehow I am in space."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Tonight, we watched a documentary about the asteroid that struck the earth and killed the dinosaurs ~65 million years ago. At one point, they demonstrated that burrowing animals such as mammals had a distinct advantage because tunnels only 10" deep reached only 95F or so despite surface temperatures over 1500F. When they showed a mammal in its burrow, I commented to Chloe that it is almost certain that the fact that they could do that is one of the reasons humans are here now."

C: "I know, I know... You've said this already. The rat turned into a monkey the monkey turned into a gorilla the gorilla turned into a human yada yada yada..."

For the record, I did NOT suggest that particular evolutionary line exactly...

- C (age eight)

P.S. "I think that how the big meteors and asteroids exploded was because of how the air pressure presses against them as they're falling."

Sheez.....Catholic schools.... :)

Kids say the darndest things!

C went to a birthday party and received a bunch of cute inexpensive magic trick gifts. One such gift was a "Fortune Teller Miracle Fish", which is a piece of very thin plastic cut into the shape of a fish with the following instructions:

Place fish in palm of the hand and it's movements will indicate:

Moving head....Jealousy
Moving tail....Indifference
Moving head and tail....In love

...and so forth.

I put it into the palm of her hand and the fish began to move on its own:

C: "Oh wow! That's cool! But I don't think it means anything, I think it works by heat!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "What does YMCA stand for?"

Daddy: "Young Men's Christian Athletes."

C: "What's an 'athlete'?

Daddy: "A person who plays sports."

C: "Oh. Well it should be called Y-M/F-C-A.

-C (age eight)

Love hurts!

There is little in the culinary world that I despise more than 'comfort food'. Probably because I had so much of it growing up. Holidays, therefore, present a special challenge in this regard. Foolishly, I thought my preference reason enough to suggest we do something else.

Her: "What do you want for Thanksgiving dinner?"

Me: "Let's do something different this year."

Her: "Oh. So which is it: You don't like what I cook or you don't like the way I cook it."

Me: "That's a false dichotomy - there are other options. And besides, why do you ask if you don't want an answer?"

Her: "You're right, baby."

At least I got to dream I was eating hot wings and bacon tacos for Thanksgiving...

Kids say the darndest things!

C, describing David Bowie's character in Labyrinth:

"He's really cool. He has a great voice and a great act and I love the way his hair sticks straight up."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

My wife approached me because she feels as if her words to our daughter often go unheeded. I concluded that a delicate approach was necessary:

Me: "Well, honey, perhaps she regards you more as a friend and confidant than as a mother."

Her: "Then why does she always share her problems with you and not me?"

Me: "Well, maybe that's because she doesn't want to disappoint you."

Her: "If she doesn't want to disappoint me, then why does she ignore me?"

Me: "Uh. Yes. Well, perhaps because she knows you won't resort to physical violence?"

I woke up with our daughter calmly asking when I was going to learn to listen to mommy.

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "What are you doing to your toes?"

C: "Spreading them out."

Daddy: "Mmmmkay, are you doing that because it feels good?"

C: "No. I'm doing it because it feels fun."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "Hey, why can't I play poker with you and the boys?"

Me: "Because you don't know how to play."

Her: "Then why don't you teach me?"

Me: "Because if I try to teach you, you will hurt me."

Her: "Oh, you're silly. Just teach me."

Me: "Ok, we'll each put $150 in that bowl and count out the chips in denominations of $10, $5 and $1. Let's start at the beginning. Poker is not a game of luck it is a game of skill, deceit and intimidation...a lot like marriage, right? Ha ha, just kidding. Oh shit."

I woke up attempting to digest $300 in poker chips and with a freezer full of Jeni's ice cream.

Kids say the darndest things!

"If you didn't have a nose your throat would hurt all the time."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

As my wife and I approached a red traffic light another vehicle cut us off, forcing me to slam on the brakes, and then settled comfortably into the Pole Position in front of us. Fuming at the sight of the vehicle's operator clearly holding a dainty pink mobile phone against a mane of long blonde hair, I rolled down the driver's side window and leaned out...

Me: "I hope you're firing your 80's hairdresser on that cellphone you stupid little bleached blonde bitch!"

Me (looking over at my wife's rigid face): "Sorry honey. I know that was sexist. Please don't get angry. I've heard you say worse."

Her: "Yes, but when I say things like that, I'm usually not talking to what appears to be a 400 pound professional wrestler."

I woke up wondering how my wife had managed to get my lungs back in.

Love hurts!

When a woman sets sexual boundaries, it might be wise to regard them as actual boundaries...

I woke up tied to the bed and marveling at the fact that it is physically possible to tie one's tongue to one's nose, with her voice purring softly in my ear, "Just tell me when you want me to stop, baby."

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "Guess what happens today."

C: "What?"

Daddy: "Ohio State plays Michigan!"

C: "Really, Ohio State has to play Michigan?"

Daddy: "Yes."

C: "Do you mean like, 'The Ohio State team versus the Michigan team' or 'Ohio State players have to dress up like Michigan players'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy: "Hey C, what do Daddys do best?"

C: "I don't know."

- C (age 8)

Love hurts!

Her: "I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

Her: "I said, I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

I woke up on a bus to Tucson clutching a box of Cheerios and a roll of dimes, nursing a strong conviction that the fact that she didn't really get it wasn't all that relevant.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Black people are funky. So mom is half funky!"

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Me: "Honey, I'm going to eat out tomorrow night. I'll be spending a little extra this month. Hope you don't mind."

Her: "Really? Ok, baby."

Two days later I woke up to find our bedroom TV replaced by my dinner receipt and a note reading, "Hi honey! I found a way to pay for dinner. Hope you don't mind."

Kids say the darndest things!

"I had a bad dream that an eraser came to life and erased my whole body."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

If your wife is afraid she's fat, she does not want you to tell her that she's not - that would make you a liar. She also doesn't want you to try to be accepting - that would make you patronizing. Blending the two, however, takes her mind completely off the problem.

Me: "You're not fat, honey. And, besides, I like thick thighs."

I woke up in a half-nelson leg scissor lock...five times.

Love hurts!

Honestly, I must admit to having been a little irate that she had won the argument over our vacation plans this year, and more than a little humiliated at having to turn around to get the plane tickets, which were the only items she had entrusted to my care. That was no excuse, however, for pretending not to know her when the guard at the security checkpoint asked for our boarding passes.

I woke up realizing that wives and security personnel have an understanding about people like me.

Love hurts!

Her: "Whatcha doing? Can I help?"

Me (protective glasses in place, electric drill aligned and ready): "Not really. I'm using power tools, honey."

Her (letting the loose end of the power cable dangle between her fingers): "Really? Umm. Then I assume you'll want to come over and plug this in before you begin?"

Me: "Oh. Wow. Thanks, hon. No, you can handle that."

I woke up plugged in.

Love hurts!

I thought I'd surprise her by cleaning the house. That went so well that, a week later, I thought I'd surprise her be redecorating the family room...

I woke up wearing a t-shirt that said, "She's with stoopid."

Love hurts!

If you lie about going out to Buffalo Wild Wings with your friends before orally pleasuring your partner, there is a very high probability that she will find out.

I woke up...and was thankful for that.

Love hurts!

Her (whispering in the early morning): "Hold me."

Me (smiling, wrapping my arms around her warm body): "Mmmm. Ok, but I promised to have you too."

I woke up wondering why she'd never told me she knew the Wuxi finger hold.

Love hurts!

Me: "Hey baby let's do a little role play. You pretend to be a prostitute and I will be your pimp."

Her: "Sure baby. Be right back."

She returned two hours later with $3,000 and a smile, tossed me three hundred and said, "There's your cut, baby. Let me know when you wanna do that again."

So I asked what three hundred dollars would get me.

I woke up needing exactly $300 in dental work.

Love hurts!

I was pleasantly surprised by her eager acceptance of my suggestion that we try a little "back door" sex.

I woke up with the painful realization that I could have been much more specific.

Love hurts!

My buddy told me that the best way to deal with a woman is to always answer their questions with a question.

Her: "Honey, would you like to take the garbage out?"

Me: "Do you mean today or tomorrow?"

Her: "I mean right now."

Me: "Uh, could you please put that in the form of a question?

Her: "Sure. Ground or pureed?"

I woke up a week later with a sympathy card from my buddy sitting on the nightstand next to a small bowl of warm pudding.

Love hurts!

When you think you won the argument is NOT the time to do the Tiger fist pump and exclaim, "Yes! Finally, one for the forces of good!"

I awoke to the sound of oriental disemboweling cutlasses being sharpened.

Kids say the darndest things.

C (watching mom and dad kiss in a restaurant): "Hey! Stop that. Don't kiss her here!"

Mommy: "Daddy can kiss me anywhere he wants."

C (pointing to her armpit): Not here!!

Love hurts!

When you decide to spice up your relationship by leaping into the bathroom dressed as a ninja just as she is exiting the shower, remember that an open stance and a frightened, cornered woman can be a very painful combination.

When I woke up she explained that the reason she had shaved my legs and dressed me up like a school girl was that the look goes better with my new voice.

Love hurts!

Just because your wife and/or girlfriend is cool enough to go to a strip club with you does not necessarily mean she's going to be cool with the suggestion that she wear the same perfume as Miss Honey Sweet.

I woke up with a strange ringing in my ears and the word "idiot" written backwards on my forehead...

Love hurts!

Her: "I don't want you love me for what's on the outside. I want you to love me for what's on the inside!"

Me: "But I do, hon! Why do you think I keep trying to get in there?"

When I woke up she was standing over me with a severely dented frying pan and a strange smile.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad! Did you just 'cut the cheese'? And was it the stinky bleu cheese?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Ok, I'm gonna go throw myself in the shower. Be sure you're ready to go to school when I get back down stairs."

C: "How about I throw you in the shower?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad (singing the Elmer Fudd song in the morning): "Kill the wabbit..."

C: "Dad! Stop that, I don't like that song because it makes me think of you killing a bunny!"

Dad: "How am I going to have wabbit stew if I don't kill the wabbit?"

C: "You can't eat bunnies!"

Dad: "Sure you can. People eat wabbit stew all the time!"

C: "That's just RUDE. Cute little fuzzy bunnies..."

Dad: "Well, then it's a good thing for world cuisine that cows aren't cute."

C: "What's a 'cuisine' and why would I want one?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "So you want to get a haircut, hmm?"

C: "No, Dad. A hair trim!"

Dad: "Oh. Well that's ok then."

C: "Ok. Tell mom I said goodbye and I love her."

Dad: "Ok."



- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Look, Dad! My pinkness matches my pants!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy sometimes lets C pound nails into scrap wood in the garage.

C: "Daddy, what do they call it when you're building things out of wood?"

Daddy: "It's called woodworking."

C (looking down at the strange configuration she has nailed together): "Oh. Well, this wood isn't working."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I like the way my shadow looks better than I do."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, Spock is really smart. But not because he uses all the big words. It's 'cuz he uses logic."

Daddy: "Excellent. Captain Kirk is very smart too, did you know that?"

C: "Yeah, he's a genius, but he's CRAZY."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Ok, this one needs some background. We ran out of TP today and C goes into the bathroom and, upon discovering this, issues the standard call for help: "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" I go in, find that we're actually completely out and give her a box of Puff's Ultra tissues (the kind with moisturizer), telling her to use these instead. I walk out, shut the door. 10 minutes later:

C: "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!"

Daddy: "Yes, sweetie?"

C: "This feels really good on my butt!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Sometimes I can feel the top of my head without even touching it!"

-C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (pausing while riding her bike): "Hey Dad! Did you see me look both ways? I used my eyes!"

Dad: "Awesome! Don't forget to use your ears too!"

C: "Huh?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Ready! Set! Leaf!!!"

- C (age eight) preparing to jump into a pile of leaves...

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, why does Spock use a whole bunch of big words and a whole bunch of big attitude and why does he always win the argument?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Mom: "You're SO dramatic."

C: "Well, it is YOU who gave me the GIFT of being DRAMATIC!"

(emphasis theirs)
- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, if you sit still in peace and quiet, you can actually FEEL the Earth rotating!"

Daddy: "I see. What does it feel like?"

C: "You know, like you're spinning around or something."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"That was cute, but unacceptable."

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I don't know why I keep saying ow, but it's really kind of driving me nuts even though I know I'm saying it."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, look! Darkness appeared in my bowl!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Commercials are kind of rude. They make everything seem like it doesn't have any bad parts and only has the good parts. It's kind of like they're controlling your mind and MAKING you buy stuff!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I can understand German people! Even in English!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "I'm not in charge of that."

C: "Yes, I know. Like you're in charge of telling me what I already know!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

(after playing piano to a metronome for one hour)

"Wow! Dad! Music is exactly like setting up checkers!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

(written on a piece of paper hung on the fridge)

"C's list of inches:
12 inches
13 inches
52 inches
3 inches
23 inches
16 inches"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"All the things that matter are the worries we should keep. We don't need to worry about all the little things too."

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"If I agreed with you we'd BOTH be wrong!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "Be careful you're going to..."

C: "I know. I'm going to fall down and hit my head on the grill and break my head open and die! Goodbye!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I can see through invisible stuff!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"WowEow. I suction-cupped myself to the marshmallow!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I'm an inventor."

Daddy: "Ok, what are you inventing?"

C: "I'm inventing a contraction."

- C (age seven)