Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, I'm trying to call my friend's house and it won't let me talk to her. All I get is this strange buzz buzz buzz!"

Dad (listening):  "Ah, that's a busy signal."

C: "What's a busy signal?"

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

Conversation between Dad and C this morning:

Dad: "C, did you know that King Henry VIII was called "Henry the Eighth, by the Grace of God, King of England, France and Ireland, Defender of the Faith and of the Church of England and also of Ireland in Earth Supreme Head"?

C: "Wow. Why did he have to use so many words to describe himself?"

Dad: "I don't know. Probably to match his ego."

C: "What's an ego?"

Dad: "An ego is what you think of yourself. Someone who thinks they are better than everyone else can be said to have a large ego."

C: "Oh. You mean like the KKK? They think the white race is better than everyone else."

Dad: "Huh?"

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

C, listening to episode 5 of "The Tudors", in which King Henry VIII berates his sister for marrying without his permission:

"Is that dude psycho?"

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

C:  "Does Tim Burton only like dead stuff that is scary?"

Dad:  "Yep, that's pretty much the limit of his imagination.  He's an unfortunate soul isn't he?"

C:  "No.  It's cool!" 

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, did you ever have first communion?"

Dad: "Yes.  When I was young.  Why. Do you want to have first communion?"

C: "Yes."

Dad:  "Ok, why?"

C: "Because I'm curious what the bread tastes like."

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad:  "Hey, C, pull my finger."

C: "I can dislocate your finger if you want, but I'm not going to pull it."

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I need you to understand that when I try really hard at something and then you and Mom say that even though it's very good I could do better, and then when I try harder and actually DO do better you still tell me it's not quite right - well, when that happens I have a mental reflex that IMMEDIATELY makes me try to defend myself. I think that's why I sometimes make you guys angry and that's not what I'm trying to do."

 - C (age ten, emphasis HERS)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I found a better way to cut the cheese if you're interested."

- C (cutting cheddar on the cheese board, age 10)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Do you know the show 'Lassie'?"

C: "Yeah but I don't like it very much. It's too predictable because they foreshadow WAY too much."

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndest things!

Mom: "Would you rather be preppy or nerdy?"

C: "Nerdy but with cool clothes."

- C (age ten)

Kids say the darndet things!

"Let me guess. This is the one where we read everything they speak and the Chinese people can fly, right?"

- C (age 10)

Kids say the darndest things!

C, watching a Kansas video with dad, pointing to violinist Robby Steinhardt...

"That looks like Hagrid!"

- C (age 10)

And the master said...

"All has turned to vain ambition. He would even use his grief as a cloak."

- Gandalf the White

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, you're just like my math teacher - she hates chaos too."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I think I know where I want to work when I grow up. Either an engineering place or a spa."

- C (age nine)

Google says the darndest things!

Google translator:

English "The way of the intercepting kiss" to Chinese (simplified) is "拦截亲吻的方式"

Chinese "拦截亲吻的方式" to English is "Blocking the way to kiss".

Maybe this is why there is war?

Kids say the darndest things!

"I think I have a good recipe for a burrito in my head."

- C (eating pancakes)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Survival isn't a game it's just something you have to do."

C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, do you WANT me to shred you into little tiny blivions?"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"My dad is a tom-girl."

- C (age nine)

...doesn't wish to reach 10 obviously... :)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "So who won the poker game last night, Dad?"

Dad: "I was victorious!"

C: "Really? That's awesome, Dad. Usually it's Brad that wins."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, is it opposite day? Because if it is you are saying exactly the right thing."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Hey Dad. Did you ever have that feeling where you think someone has a crush on you so you kinda want to show 'em what you got?"

- C (age nine)

I'm doomed.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, did you know that everything is music? Except that sometimes it's just really really out of tune."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "What is that a picture of?"

C: "It's Medusa."

Dad: "Oh. I thought it was a girl with dreadlocks."

C: "No, it's Medusa. It's just that all her snakes but one have feinted."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Maybe you should be a professor when you grow up. I think you'd make a good teacher."

C: "I'd be a violent teacher, Dad."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

Conversation between my daughter C and I while listening to the 2nd movement of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik:

C: "Dad, you look like you're pushing imaginary buttons in the air."

Dad: "Yes, I'm listening to the countermelodies and moving my hands to them. Mozart was a musical genius."

C looks puzzled.

Dad: "A musical genius is one who creates music that really moves you deep inside and can do it more naturally than other people. Kind of like Lisa Bella Donna."

C: "Oh. Yes. But I think Lisa is a bit better though. I mean, she doesn't control a whole symphony and she's not as famous, but she also doesn't need to be famous to be happy. That's what I like about her."

- C (age nine)

Love Hurts!

My wife and I work at the same company and commute together. I often tease her about being slow. this morning is no exception.

Me: "Would you please hurry up? I'm usually of a mind to forego the pleasure of killing to maintain the general good humor, but today I am not so disposed."

Her: "That's ok. I can dispose of you easily."

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dude, that looks totally movie generated. It doesn't even look kind of real! It's like it's trying to dance or something!"

- C (age nine) watching the end stop-motion sequence of Terminator.

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, do you know a problem that all of us have?"

Dad: "No. What?"

C: "It's that we think that someone is doing something that we don't want them to do...and we don't ask them if that's really what they're doing."

Dad: "You are so right."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I cut and folded these napkins for Santa into isosceles triangles. But, I did it kind of quickly so some of them came out a bit scalene."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Better go to sleep. Santa's gonna be pretty upset if he gets here and you're still awake you know. After all he has to visit about half a billion households in one night!"

C: "Yes. That sounds entirely impossible, but apparently it's not."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Oops. My bad."

- God (C playing Pocket God)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I think I typed a whole paragraph already!"

- C (age nine), one hour after announcing she was going to sit down to write her first story

Kids say the darndest things!

"Of course geniuses make mistakes... Why do you think they're geniuses?"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, do you believe in fictional creatures?"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have the nicest dad in the galaxy and the meanest dad on the block!"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

As a father and a man, I have been known to occasionally "let one go". Today, I did so in a particularly quiet room with my youngest daughter present.

Daddy: "Oops, sorry."

C: "That's ok, Dad."

Daddy: "You are becoming a very compassionate young lady and I'm proud of you."

C: "What does 'compassionate' mean?

Daddy: "It means you forgive people their faults."

C: "Did you just say, 'forgive people their farts'?

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Hey Dad, guess what?"

Dad: "What?"

C: "Today I started reading ARAGON. It's a book about THIS thick! (holding her hands about four inches apart, emphasis hers)

Dad: "Wow. I'm very proud of you."

C: "Well, I'm still on page two."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Ahem, I just coughed up my brain."

- C (age nine, talking in her sleep)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad (handing her a chocolate): "What does this taste like?"

C (chewing thoughtfully): "It tastes like a rose smells."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (at the playground): "Daddy will you swing with me?"

Dad: "Sure."

C (after a short while swinging with Dad): "Dad, it's a swing set not a rocking chair!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut. If you're still alive when I get a job will you go to the moon with me?"

Dad (spontaneously crying): "Yes."



- C (age eight)

My daughters fill my life.

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have an idea and I'm not afraid to use it!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "What do you think of Seattle?"

C: "It's cool. No really. It's cold actually! When I get home again I am SO going to be SO warm!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I'm gonna pass out if I don't fall asleep soon."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Kitty winked at me!"

Dad: "Really?"

C: "Yes, but Mommy says I shouldn't anth-something-morphize things."

Dad: "Anthropomorphize?"

C: "Yes, that's it. Kitty doesn't know human emotions."

Dad: "You're right."

C: "But she does understand kitty emotions."

Dad: "You're right."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I hate change."

Dad: "Everything changes."

C: "Yeah. For instance, clocks. They definitely change."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "That spider is smart."

Dad: "That spider is about as smart as your elbow."

C: "But my elbow knows everything!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "What do you think of this painting?"

C: "For a musician, it's not bad."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (watching Sherlock Holmes): "This is like 'Around the World in 80 Days'. See, everyone is checking their watches and the servant has jaggety hair."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (watching Sherlock Holmes): "This is like 'Around the World in 80 Days'. See, everyone is checking their watches and the servant has jaggety hair."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (turning the crank to roll down the non-electric window in our rental car): "Oh! So THAT's why they call it 'rolling down your window'!"

Kids say the darndest things!

M (playing a game of pool with C): "Are you solids?"

C: "Yes, and you are liquids. And Dad is a gas."

-C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (proudly holding up a kazoo to which she has affixed a balloon): "Hi Dad. I've invented a new instrument. It's called a 'suck & blow'."

Dad: "Hmm. Do you think we could find another name for it?"

C: "Yeah, it's for my stuffed animals. They need an instrument like this because they don't have lungs. It's also really good for scaring the cat."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I know most of the people in history, like Vincent van Gogh, Mozart, ... and the other people."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"You and I are a lot alike. We both like to sing, we both love music and we both pass gas alot."

- C (age eight) to Daddy

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Meteorologists are so cool."

Dad: "Yep. Is that what you're going to be when you grow up?"

C: "Nope, I'm still going to work in a jewelry store."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C overheard me in a moment of weakness complaining about someone eating extremely unpleasantly in a Chinese restaurant.

Dad: "Oh my God I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't stop that."

C: "Dad. Why would we want to kill someone INSIDE a restaurant?"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I hate the smell of stink!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have a hypothesis that Mom is actually the Easter Bunny and when I'm sleeping she puts all this stuff out all over the house."

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Teacher is a job not to kill kids, but to love them and to teach them."

- C (age 8)

Apologies you never want to have to offer.

"Oh, 'Trip the light fantastic!' Sorry, I thought you said 'rip the tight elastic'."

Xan Shui
Philosophic Philanthropist, Honest Man

Kids say the darndest things!

Mom: "C, do you know what is the state tree of Ohio is?"

C: "Uh..."

Mom: "The Ohio State....."

C: "Buckeye!"

Mom: "Yes. And the state song is?"

C: "Uh... Let me see...The American Idol?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Nobody eats poop except Nikki's dog..."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "1 x 11 = 11. 2 x 11 = 22. 3 x 11 = 33..."

Mom: "C, do you see a pattern with multiplying times 11?"

C: "Uh...yeah...there's 11 more each time."

Dad: "Nice. That's a great pattern. I think mom means do you see another pattern?"

C: "Yes, I have to poop."

- C (age eight), M (genius), Dad (laughing his ass off)

Kids say the darndest things!

I asked C to write some song lyrics today. After explaining that song lyrics are the words that go with music, she immediately lit up. "Oh, ok, can I use your computer?" Here is what she typed in about 5 minutes:

My summer ends
by [C]

My summer ends and the peaceful night is through
I don’t know what to do ‘cause I’m stuck with you
Summer is the time when my snake had come to me
it turned out to be weird but she was satisfied with me
I had tried to make my move but I had to much summer to waste
and to much stuff to do
I had tried so many things other than try on my new bathing suite
But now it’s time the time it is Now
its time to make my summer end

(This song is afishely dedecated to my Mommy & to my Daddy).
I love you mom & dad!

Mom's say the darndest things!

M: "Have you started slicing the strawberries yet?"

Dad: "I'm done."

M: "Wow."

Dad: "Nothing takes a boy a long time."

M: "That's not true."

Dad: "Thanks!"

Mom's say the darndest things!

"Dude, there is NOTHING that can make my ass look lopsided..."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what is the Holy Grail?"

Dad: "Well, it kind of depends upon your point of view. Do you know what that means?"

C: "Yeah, it's kind of like the difference between the Last Supper and the Last Dinner."

Dad: "Yep. X'actly."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, this says that baldness is hair-de-tary"...

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "We need to work together. We're a team and there's no 'I' in 'team'."

Me: "Well there's no 'U' in 'team' either!"

I woke up wondering where the hockey stick came from.

Kids say the darndest things!

Messin' with C.

Dad: "How are you doing, kitty?"

C: "Are you talking to me? I'm not a cat."

Dad: "Ok, let's check. Cats have two eyes, you have two eyes. Cats have one nose, you have one nose. Cats have two ears, you have two ears. See, you're a cat."

C: "Uh. Dad. Cats have big whiskers and I don't have big whiskers."

Dad: "Ah. You're right. You're not a cat."

C: "Right."

Dad: "...you're a cat who shaves."

C: "DAD! Look. Do I have a tail? Cats have tails!"

Dad: "Oh! You're right. You don't have a tail so you can't be a cat. You must be a gorilla!"

C: "DAD! You're driving me crazy! Look at me. Am I big and fat and hairy?"

Dad: "Yep."

C: "Well that's just plain mean and I'm not talking to you anymore."

- C (age eight) and Dad (age five) :)

Moms say the darndest things!

"I want to divide the roosters and egg-laying chickens from the non-egg-laying chickens."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Hey! We have a mystery! My toothbrush is gone!"

Mommy: "I know where the toothbrush is."

C: "Ah, so YOU're the thief!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Whoa! Snot does NOT taste good!"

- C (age eight, with a cold)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does 'strict' mean?"

Dad: "Well, it's when someone sticks very closely to the rules."

C: "Oh. So 'strict' is a contraction for 'bossy and mean'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy (after having performed a few fake high-fives with C, missing intentionally): "Whoa! It's like you're a ghost or something! You're the ghost with the most!"

C: "No, I'm the ghost with the most French Toast!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Hey C, can I do something inappropriate to Mom?"

C: "That's up to her."

Dad: "What?"

C: "Don't ask me. Ask her!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Wow! You looked just like Gammaw when you did that!"

C: "Well, I'm not a redhead, I don't have short hair, I don't have pale skin and I'm not very old!"

- C (age eight)

Mom's say the darndest things!

"What the fuck planet are you living on people? Do you not have cable?"

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does lamb taste like?"

Daddy: "Lamb tastes kind of like funky beef."

C: "Why would it want to dance?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Pocket God is a game for the iPhone in which you play the role of "God" with respect to a small island populated by pygmies. You can make new pygmies, feed them, give them shelter, make tidal waves, control the weather and night and day, throw them off the island and a host of other benevolent or not-so-benevolent actions while they go about their business. It's really cute and C loves playing it.

Daddy: "So you're pretty good at that game. What's your secret?"

C: "I just try to leave an even amount of people dead."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy (observing C pushing as hard as she can on a closed door): "C, why are you pushing on that door?"

C: "No clue."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Yesterday we had dinner at a local restaurant. It was very cold and snowy. There was a frozen puddle in front of the door of the establishment that I asked her to watch out for. Walking home, I reminded her of the ice by the door and later had to warn her not to step in a large puddle that had formed in the parking lot.

C: "Dad, if it's cold enough to freeze water outside, why is the puddle by the door frozen and the puddle in the parking lot not frozen?"

Dad: "That's a really good question. I'm not sure I know the answer."

C: "I knew you were going to say that."

Dad: "Oh really. How did you know that?"

C: "Because that's what you always say when I ask a REALLY good question."

- c (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I can spell big words."

Daddy: "No you can't."

C: "Yes I can. A-S-T-R-O-L-O-G-I-C-A-L - astrological."

Daddy: "That's a big word."

C: "Can you spell 'oops'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

(looking at the TV)

"Oh! Astronauts! I sooooo want that job! And I also want to be a poet! And I also want to be a singer! And I also want to be a teacher! Ohhhhh! There are SO many cool things to do!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I love this one movie with Jackie Chan! It's called 'Shanghai Noon'. I think that's Chinese."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"No no no, Darth Vader, you are going to have to wait. Your ship isn't done yet. And NO choking your son!"

- C (age eight), talking to a miniature Darth Vader while putting together the Lego Darth Vader Tie Fighter she got for Christmas.

Dads say the darndest things!

M: Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

Me: I dunno. All I know is he's Catholic.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Oooooo yeah, you wanna piece o' me?"

- C (age eight), playing the first fight scene in her Lego Indiana Jones game on PS3

Kids say the darndest thing!

"I spy with my little eye some things that look dead."

-C (age eight) playing I Spy in December in Ohio.

The answer was: The trees.

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "You don't have a clue."

C: "I have ALL the clues!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"She's like a girl version of Jackie Chan!"

- C (age eight, watching the beginning of THE MATRIX)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Sexy is a mostly inappropriate word that I should know right now."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I'm not going to do drugs and turn into a crazy person who can lose their mind very easily and be very sensitive sometimes!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I was angry because she was trying to convince me that she was right about everything. Nobody is right about everything. And I know I'm right about that."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

The Stars
- By C

"When I wake up I see the stars above me and they look so bright
And when they shine the energy flows through my body
And then a wind comes and somehow I am in space."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Tonight, we watched a documentary about the asteroid that struck the earth and killed the dinosaurs ~65 million years ago. At one point, they demonstrated that burrowing animals such as mammals had a distinct advantage because tunnels only 10" deep reached only 95F or so despite surface temperatures over 1500F. When they showed a mammal in its burrow, I commented to Chloe that it is almost certain that the fact that they could do that is one of the reasons humans are here now."

C: "I know, I know... You've said this already. The rat turned into a monkey the monkey turned into a gorilla the gorilla turned into a human yada yada yada..."

For the record, I did NOT suggest that particular evolutionary line exactly...

- C (age eight)

P.S. "I think that how the big meteors and asteroids exploded was because of how the air pressure presses against them as they're falling."

Sheez.....Catholic schools.... :)

Kids say the darndest things!

C went to a birthday party and received a bunch of cute inexpensive magic trick gifts. One such gift was a "Fortune Teller Miracle Fish", which is a piece of very thin plastic cut into the shape of a fish with the following instructions:

Place fish in palm of the hand and it's movements will indicate:

Moving head....Jealousy
Moving tail....Indifference
Moving head and tail....In love

...and so forth.

I put it into the palm of her hand and the fish began to move on its own:

C: "Oh wow! That's cool! But I don't think it means anything, I think it works by heat!"

- C (age eight)