Love hurts!

Her: "Hey, why can't I play poker with you and the boys?"

Me: "Because you don't know how to play."

Her: "Then why don't you teach me?"

Me: "Because if I try to teach you, you will hurt me."

Her: "Oh, you're silly. Just teach me."

Me: "Ok, we'll each put $150 in that bowl and count out the chips in denominations of $10, $5 and $1. Let's start at the beginning. Poker is not a game of luck it is a game of skill, deceit and intimidation...a lot like marriage, right? Ha ha, just kidding. Oh shit."

I woke up attempting to digest $300 in poker chips and with a freezer full of Jeni's ice cream.

Kids say the darndest things!

"If you didn't have a nose your throat would hurt all the time."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

As my wife and I approached a red traffic light another vehicle cut us off, forcing me to slam on the brakes, and then settled comfortably into the Pole Position in front of us. Fuming at the sight of the vehicle's operator clearly holding a dainty pink mobile phone against a mane of long blonde hair, I rolled down the driver's side window and leaned out...

Me: "I hope you're firing your 80's hairdresser on that cellphone you stupid little bleached blonde bitch!"

Me (looking over at my wife's rigid face): "Sorry honey. I know that was sexist. Please don't get angry. I've heard you say worse."

Her: "Yes, but when I say things like that, I'm usually not talking to what appears to be a 400 pound professional wrestler."

I woke up wondering how my wife had managed to get my lungs back in.

Love hurts!

When a woman sets sexual boundaries, it might be wise to regard them as actual boundaries...

I woke up tied to the bed and marveling at the fact that it is physically possible to tie one's tongue to one's nose, with her voice purring softly in my ear, "Just tell me when you want me to stop, baby."

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "Guess what happens today."

C: "What?"

Daddy: "Ohio State plays Michigan!"

C: "Really, Ohio State has to play Michigan?"

Daddy: "Yes."

C: "Do you mean like, 'The Ohio State team versus the Michigan team' or 'Ohio State players have to dress up like Michigan players'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy: "Hey C, what do Daddys do best?"

C: "I don't know."

- C (age 8)

Love hurts!

Her: "I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

Her: "I said, I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

I woke up on a bus to Tucson clutching a box of Cheerios and a roll of dimes, nursing a strong conviction that the fact that she didn't really get it wasn't all that relevant.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Black people are funky. So mom is half funky!"

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Me: "Honey, I'm going to eat out tomorrow night. I'll be spending a little extra this month. Hope you don't mind."

Her: "Really? Ok, baby."

Two days later I woke up to find our bedroom TV replaced by my dinner receipt and a note reading, "Hi honey! I found a way to pay for dinner. Hope you don't mind."

Kids say the darndest things!

"I had a bad dream that an eraser came to life and erased my whole body."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

If your wife is afraid she's fat, she does not want you to tell her that she's not - that would make you a liar. She also doesn't want you to try to be accepting - that would make you patronizing. Blending the two, however, takes her mind completely off the problem.

Me: "You're not fat, honey. And, besides, I like thick thighs."

I woke up in a half-nelson leg scissor lock...five times.

Love hurts!

Honestly, I must admit to having been a little irate that she had won the argument over our vacation plans this year, and more than a little humiliated at having to turn around to get the plane tickets, which were the only items she had entrusted to my care. That was no excuse, however, for pretending not to know her when the guard at the security checkpoint asked for our boarding passes.

I woke up realizing that wives and security personnel have an understanding about people like me.

Love hurts!

Her: "Whatcha doing? Can I help?"

Me (protective glasses in place, electric drill aligned and ready): "Not really. I'm using power tools, honey."

Her (letting the loose end of the power cable dangle between her fingers): "Really? Umm. Then I assume you'll want to come over and plug this in before you begin?"

Me: "Oh. Wow. Thanks, hon. No, you can handle that."

I woke up plugged in.

Love hurts!

I thought I'd surprise her by cleaning the house. That went so well that, a week later, I thought I'd surprise her be redecorating the family room...

I woke up wearing a t-shirt that said, "She's with stoopid."

Love hurts!

If you lie about going out to Buffalo Wild Wings with your friends before orally pleasuring your partner, there is a very high probability that she will find out.

I woke up...and was thankful for that.

Love hurts!

Her (whispering in the early morning): "Hold me."

Me (smiling, wrapping my arms around her warm body): "Mmmm. Ok, but I promised to have you too."

I woke up wondering why she'd never told me she knew the Wuxi finger hold.

Love hurts!

Me: "Hey baby let's do a little role play. You pretend to be a prostitute and I will be your pimp."

Her: "Sure baby. Be right back."

She returned two hours later with $3,000 and a smile, tossed me three hundred and said, "There's your cut, baby. Let me know when you wanna do that again."

So I asked what three hundred dollars would get me.

I woke up needing exactly $300 in dental work.

Love hurts!

I was pleasantly surprised by her eager acceptance of my suggestion that we try a little "back door" sex.

I woke up with the painful realization that I could have been much more specific.

Love hurts!

My buddy told me that the best way to deal with a woman is to always answer their questions with a question.

Her: "Honey, would you like to take the garbage out?"

Me: "Do you mean today or tomorrow?"

Her: "I mean right now."

Me: "Uh, could you please put that in the form of a question?

Her: "Sure. Ground or pureed?"

I woke up a week later with a sympathy card from my buddy sitting on the nightstand next to a small bowl of warm pudding.

Love hurts!

When you think you won the argument is NOT the time to do the Tiger fist pump and exclaim, "Yes! Finally, one for the forces of good!"

I awoke to the sound of oriental disemboweling cutlasses being sharpened.