Dads say the darndest things!

M: Is he a good guy or a bad guy?

Me: I dunno. All I know is he's Catholic.

Kids say the darndest things!

"Oooooo yeah, you wanna piece o' me?"

- C (age eight), playing the first fight scene in her Lego Indiana Jones game on PS3

Kids say the darndest thing!

"I spy with my little eye some things that look dead."

-C (age eight) playing I Spy in December in Ohio.

The answer was: The trees.

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "You don't have a clue."

C: "I have ALL the clues!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"She's like a girl version of Jackie Chan!"

- C (age eight, watching the beginning of THE MATRIX)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Sexy is a mostly inappropriate word that I should know right now."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I'm not going to do drugs and turn into a crazy person who can lose their mind very easily and be very sensitive sometimes!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I was angry because she was trying to convince me that she was right about everything. Nobody is right about everything. And I know I'm right about that."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

The Stars
- By C

"When I wake up I see the stars above me and they look so bright
And when they shine the energy flows through my body
And then a wind comes and somehow I am in space."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Tonight, we watched a documentary about the asteroid that struck the earth and killed the dinosaurs ~65 million years ago. At one point, they demonstrated that burrowing animals such as mammals had a distinct advantage because tunnels only 10" deep reached only 95F or so despite surface temperatures over 1500F. When they showed a mammal in its burrow, I commented to Chloe that it is almost certain that the fact that they could do that is one of the reasons humans are here now."

C: "I know, I know... You've said this already. The rat turned into a monkey the monkey turned into a gorilla the gorilla turned into a human yada yada yada..."

For the record, I did NOT suggest that particular evolutionary line exactly...

- C (age eight)

P.S. "I think that how the big meteors and asteroids exploded was because of how the air pressure presses against them as they're falling."

Sheez.....Catholic schools.... :)

Kids say the darndest things!

C went to a birthday party and received a bunch of cute inexpensive magic trick gifts. One such gift was a "Fortune Teller Miracle Fish", which is a piece of very thin plastic cut into the shape of a fish with the following instructions:

Place fish in palm of the hand and it's movements will indicate:

Moving head....Jealousy
Moving tail....Indifference
Moving head and tail....In love

...and so forth.

I put it into the palm of her hand and the fish began to move on its own:

C: "Oh wow! That's cool! But I don't think it means anything, I think it works by heat!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "What does YMCA stand for?"

Daddy: "Young Men's Christian Athletes."

C: "What's an 'athlete'?

Daddy: "A person who plays sports."

C: "Oh. Well it should be called Y-M/F-C-A.

-C (age eight)

Love hurts!

There is little in the culinary world that I despise more than 'comfort food'. Probably because I had so much of it growing up. Holidays, therefore, present a special challenge in this regard. Foolishly, I thought my preference reason enough to suggest we do something else.

Her: "What do you want for Thanksgiving dinner?"

Me: "Let's do something different this year."

Her: "Oh. So which is it: You don't like what I cook or you don't like the way I cook it."

Me: "That's a false dichotomy - there are other options. And besides, why do you ask if you don't want an answer?"

Her: "You're right, baby."

At least I got to dream I was eating hot wings and bacon tacos for Thanksgiving...

Kids say the darndest things!

C, describing David Bowie's character in Labyrinth:

"He's really cool. He has a great voice and a great act and I love the way his hair sticks straight up."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

My wife approached me because she feels as if her words to our daughter often go unheeded. I concluded that a delicate approach was necessary:

Me: "Well, honey, perhaps she regards you more as a friend and confidant than as a mother."

Her: "Then why does she always share her problems with you and not me?"

Me: "Well, maybe that's because she doesn't want to disappoint you."

Her: "If she doesn't want to disappoint me, then why does she ignore me?"

Me: "Uh. Yes. Well, perhaps because she knows you won't resort to physical violence?"

I woke up with our daughter calmly asking when I was going to learn to listen to mommy.

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "What are you doing to your toes?"

C: "Spreading them out."

Daddy: "Mmmmkay, are you doing that because it feels good?"

C: "No. I'm doing it because it feels fun."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "Hey, why can't I play poker with you and the boys?"

Me: "Because you don't know how to play."

Her: "Then why don't you teach me?"

Me: "Because if I try to teach you, you will hurt me."

Her: "Oh, you're silly. Just teach me."

Me: "Ok, we'll each put $150 in that bowl and count out the chips in denominations of $10, $5 and $1. Let's start at the beginning. Poker is not a game of luck it is a game of skill, deceit and intimidation...a lot like marriage, right? Ha ha, just kidding. Oh shit."

I woke up attempting to digest $300 in poker chips and with a freezer full of Jeni's ice cream.

Kids say the darndest things!

"If you didn't have a nose your throat would hurt all the time."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

As my wife and I approached a red traffic light another vehicle cut us off, forcing me to slam on the brakes, and then settled comfortably into the Pole Position in front of us. Fuming at the sight of the vehicle's operator clearly holding a dainty pink mobile phone against a mane of long blonde hair, I rolled down the driver's side window and leaned out...

Me: "I hope you're firing your 80's hairdresser on that cellphone you stupid little bleached blonde bitch!"

Me (looking over at my wife's rigid face): "Sorry honey. I know that was sexist. Please don't get angry. I've heard you say worse."

Her: "Yes, but when I say things like that, I'm usually not talking to what appears to be a 400 pound professional wrestler."

I woke up wondering how my wife had managed to get my lungs back in.

Love hurts!

When a woman sets sexual boundaries, it might be wise to regard them as actual boundaries...

I woke up tied to the bed and marveling at the fact that it is physically possible to tie one's tongue to one's nose, with her voice purring softly in my ear, "Just tell me when you want me to stop, baby."