Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, do you know a problem that all of us have?"

Dad: "No. What?"

C: "It's that we think that someone is doing something that we don't want them to do...and we don't ask them if that's really what they're doing."

Dad: "You are so right."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I cut and folded these napkins for Santa into isosceles triangles. But, I did it kind of quickly so some of them came out a bit scalene."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Better go to sleep. Santa's gonna be pretty upset if he gets here and you're still awake you know. After all he has to visit about half a billion households in one night!"

C: "Yes. That sounds entirely impossible, but apparently it's not."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Oops. My bad."

- God (C playing Pocket God)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, I think I typed a whole paragraph already!"

- C (age nine), one hour after announcing she was going to sit down to write her first story

Kids say the darndest things!

"Of course geniuses make mistakes... Why do you think they're geniuses?"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, do you believe in fictional creatures?"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have the nicest dad in the galaxy and the meanest dad on the block!"

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

As a father and a man, I have been known to occasionally "let one go". Today, I did so in a particularly quiet room with my youngest daughter present.

Daddy: "Oops, sorry."

C: "That's ok, Dad."

Daddy: "You are becoming a very compassionate young lady and I'm proud of you."

C: "What does 'compassionate' mean?

Daddy: "It means you forgive people their faults."

C: "Did you just say, 'forgive people their farts'?

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Hey Dad, guess what?"

Dad: "What?"

C: "Today I started reading ARAGON. It's a book about THIS thick! (holding her hands about four inches apart, emphasis hers)

Dad: "Wow. I'm very proud of you."

C: "Well, I'm still on page two."

- C (age nine)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Ahem, I just coughed up my brain."

- C (age nine, talking in her sleep)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad (handing her a chocolate): "What does this taste like?"

C (chewing thoughtfully): "It tastes like a rose smells."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (at the playground): "Daddy will you swing with me?"

Dad: "Sure."

C (after a short while swinging with Dad): "Dad, it's a swing set not a rocking chair!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, I'm gonna be an astronaut. If you're still alive when I get a job will you go to the moon with me?"

Dad (spontaneously crying): "Yes."



- C (age eight)

My daughters fill my life.

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have an idea and I'm not afraid to use it!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "What do you think of Seattle?"

C: "It's cool. No really. It's cold actually! When I get home again I am SO going to be SO warm!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I'm gonna pass out if I don't fall asleep soon."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Kitty winked at me!"

Dad: "Really?"

C: "Yes, but Mommy says I shouldn't anth-something-morphize things."

Dad: "Anthropomorphize?"

C: "Yes, that's it. Kitty doesn't know human emotions."

Dad: "You're right."

C: "But she does understand kitty emotions."

Dad: "You're right."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I hate change."

Dad: "Everything changes."

C: "Yeah. For instance, clocks. They definitely change."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "That spider is smart."

Dad: "That spider is about as smart as your elbow."

C: "But my elbow knows everything!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "What do you think of this painting?"

C: "For a musician, it's not bad."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (watching Sherlock Holmes): "This is like 'Around the World in 80 Days'. See, everyone is checking their watches and the servant has jaggety hair."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (watching Sherlock Holmes): "This is like 'Around the World in 80 Days'. See, everyone is checking their watches and the servant has jaggety hair."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (turning the crank to roll down the non-electric window in our rental car): "Oh! So THAT's why they call it 'rolling down your window'!"

Kids say the darndest things!

M (playing a game of pool with C): "Are you solids?"

C: "Yes, and you are liquids. And Dad is a gas."

-C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C (proudly holding up a kazoo to which she has affixed a balloon): "Hi Dad. I've invented a new instrument. It's called a 'suck & blow'."

Dad: "Hmm. Do you think we could find another name for it?"

C: "Yeah, it's for my stuffed animals. They need an instrument like this because they don't have lungs. It's also really good for scaring the cat."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I know most of the people in history, like Vincent van Gogh, Mozart, ... and the other people."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"You and I are a lot alike. We both like to sing, we both love music and we both pass gas alot."

- C (age eight) to Daddy

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Meteorologists are so cool."

Dad: "Yep. Is that what you're going to be when you grow up?"

C: "Nope, I'm still going to work in a jewelry store."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C overheard me in a moment of weakness complaining about someone eating extremely unpleasantly in a Chinese restaurant.

Dad: "Oh my God I'm gonna kill him if he doesn't stop that."

C: "Dad. Why would we want to kill someone INSIDE a restaurant?"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I hate the smell of stink!"

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I have a hypothesis that Mom is actually the Easter Bunny and when I'm sleeping she puts all this stuff out all over the house."

- C (age 8)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Teacher is a job not to kill kids, but to love them and to teach them."

- C (age 8)

Apologies you never want to have to offer.

"Oh, 'Trip the light fantastic!' Sorry, I thought you said 'rip the tight elastic'."

Xan Shui
Philosophic Philanthropist, Honest Man

Kids say the darndest things!

Mom: "C, do you know what is the state tree of Ohio is?"

C: "Uh..."

Mom: "The Ohio State....."

C: "Buckeye!"

Mom: "Yes. And the state song is?"

C: "Uh... Let me see...The American Idol?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Nobody eats poop except Nikki's dog..."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "1 x 11 = 11. 2 x 11 = 22. 3 x 11 = 33..."

Mom: "C, do you see a pattern with multiplying times 11?"

C: "Uh...yeah...there's 11 more each time."

Dad: "Nice. That's a great pattern. I think mom means do you see another pattern?"

C: "Yes, I have to poop."

- C (age eight), M (genius), Dad (laughing his ass off)

Kids say the darndest things!

I asked C to write some song lyrics today. After explaining that song lyrics are the words that go with music, she immediately lit up. "Oh, ok, can I use your computer?" Here is what she typed in about 5 minutes:

My summer ends
by [C]

My summer ends and the peaceful night is through
I don’t know what to do ‘cause I’m stuck with you
Summer is the time when my snake had come to me
it turned out to be weird but she was satisfied with me
I had tried to make my move but I had to much summer to waste
and to much stuff to do
I had tried so many things other than try on my new bathing suite
But now it’s time the time it is Now
its time to make my summer end

(This song is afishely dedecated to my Mommy & to my Daddy).
I love you mom & dad!

Mom's say the darndest things!

M: "Have you started slicing the strawberries yet?"

Dad: "I'm done."

M: "Wow."

Dad: "Nothing takes a boy a long time."

M: "That's not true."

Dad: "Thanks!"

Mom's say the darndest things!

"Dude, there is NOTHING that can make my ass look lopsided..."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what is the Holy Grail?"

Dad: "Well, it kind of depends upon your point of view. Do you know what that means?"

C: "Yeah, it's kind of like the difference between the Last Supper and the Last Dinner."

Dad: "Yep. X'actly."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad, this says that baldness is hair-de-tary"...

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "We need to work together. We're a team and there's no 'I' in 'team'."

Me: "Well there's no 'U' in 'team' either!"

I woke up wondering where the hockey stick came from.

Kids say the darndest things!

Messin' with C.

Dad: "How are you doing, kitty?"

C: "Are you talking to me? I'm not a cat."

Dad: "Ok, let's check. Cats have two eyes, you have two eyes. Cats have one nose, you have one nose. Cats have two ears, you have two ears. See, you're a cat."

C: "Uh. Dad. Cats have big whiskers and I don't have big whiskers."

Dad: "Ah. You're right. You're not a cat."

C: "Right."

Dad: "...you're a cat who shaves."

C: "DAD! Look. Do I have a tail? Cats have tails!"

Dad: "Oh! You're right. You don't have a tail so you can't be a cat. You must be a gorilla!"

C: "DAD! You're driving me crazy! Look at me. Am I big and fat and hairy?"

Dad: "Yep."

C: "Well that's just plain mean and I'm not talking to you anymore."

- C (age eight) and Dad (age five) :)

Moms say the darndest things!

"I want to divide the roosters and egg-laying chickens from the non-egg-laying chickens."

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Hey! We have a mystery! My toothbrush is gone!"

Mommy: "I know where the toothbrush is."

C: "Ah, so YOU're the thief!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"Whoa! Snot does NOT taste good!"

- C (age eight, with a cold)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does 'strict' mean?"

Dad: "Well, it's when someone sticks very closely to the rules."

C: "Oh. So 'strict' is a contraction for 'bossy and mean'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy (after having performed a few fake high-fives with C, missing intentionally): "Whoa! It's like you're a ghost or something! You're the ghost with the most!"

C: "No, I'm the ghost with the most French Toast!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Hey C, can I do something inappropriate to Mom?"

C: "That's up to her."

Dad: "What?"

C: "Don't ask me. Ask her!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Wow! You looked just like Gammaw when you did that!"

C: "Well, I'm not a redhead, I don't have short hair, I don't have pale skin and I'm not very old!"

- C (age eight)

Mom's say the darndest things!

"What the fuck planet are you living on people? Do you not have cable?"

- M (genius)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, what does lamb taste like?"

Daddy: "Lamb tastes kind of like funky beef."

C: "Why would it want to dance?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Pocket God is a game for the iPhone in which you play the role of "God" with respect to a small island populated by pygmies. You can make new pygmies, feed them, give them shelter, make tidal waves, control the weather and night and day, throw them off the island and a host of other benevolent or not-so-benevolent actions while they go about their business. It's really cute and C loves playing it.

Daddy: "So you're pretty good at that game. What's your secret?"

C: "I just try to leave an even amount of people dead."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy (observing C pushing as hard as she can on a closed door): "C, why are you pushing on that door?"

C: "No clue."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Yesterday we had dinner at a local restaurant. It was very cold and snowy. There was a frozen puddle in front of the door of the establishment that I asked her to watch out for. Walking home, I reminded her of the ice by the door and later had to warn her not to step in a large puddle that had formed in the parking lot.

C: "Dad, if it's cold enough to freeze water outside, why is the puddle by the door frozen and the puddle in the parking lot not frozen?"

Dad: "That's a really good question. I'm not sure I know the answer."

C: "I knew you were going to say that."

Dad: "Oh really. How did you know that?"

C: "Because that's what you always say when I ask a REALLY good question."

- c (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "I can spell big words."

Daddy: "No you can't."

C: "Yes I can. A-S-T-R-O-L-O-G-I-C-A-L - astrological."

Daddy: "That's a big word."

C: "Can you spell 'oops'?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

(looking at the TV)

"Oh! Astronauts! I sooooo want that job! And I also want to be a poet! And I also want to be a singer! And I also want to be a teacher! Ohhhhh! There are SO many cool things to do!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I love this one movie with Jackie Chan! It's called 'Shanghai Noon'. I think that's Chinese."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"No no no, Darth Vader, you are going to have to wait. Your ship isn't done yet. And NO choking your son!"

- C (age eight), talking to a miniature Darth Vader while putting together the Lego Darth Vader Tie Fighter she got for Christmas.