Saturday, November 28, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

Tonight, we watched a documentary about the asteroid that struck the earth and killed the dinosaurs ~65 million years ago. At one point, they demonstrated that burrowing animals such as mammals had a distinct advantage because tunnels only 10" deep reached only 95F or so despite surface temperatures over 1500F. When they showed a mammal in its burrow, I commented to Chloe that it is almost certain that the fact that they could do that is one of the reasons humans are here now."

C: "I know, I know... You've said this already. The rat turned into a monkey the monkey turned into a gorilla the gorilla turned into a human yada yada yada..."

For the record, I did NOT suggest that particular evolutionary line exactly...

- C (age eight)

P.S. "I think that how the big meteors and asteroids exploded was because of how the air pressure presses against them as they're falling."

Sheez.....Catholic schools.... :)

Kids say the darndest things!

C went to a birthday party and received a bunch of cute inexpensive magic trick gifts. One such gift was a "Fortune Teller Miracle Fish", which is a piece of very thin plastic cut into the shape of a fish with the following instructions:

Place fish in palm of the hand and it's movements will indicate:

Moving head....Jealousy
Moving tail....Indifference
Moving head and tail....In love

...and so forth.

I put it into the palm of her hand and the fish began to move on its own:

C: "Oh wow! That's cool! But I don't think it means anything, I think it works by heat!"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "What does YMCA stand for?"

Daddy: "Young Men's Christian Athletes."

C: "What's an 'athlete'?

Daddy: "A person who plays sports."

C: "Oh. Well it should be called Y-M/F-C-A.

-C (age eight)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Love hurts!

There is little in the culinary world that I despise more than 'comfort food'. Probably because I had so much of it growing up. Holidays, therefore, present a special challenge in this regard. Foolishly, I thought my preference reason enough to suggest we do something else.

Her: "What do you want for Thanksgiving dinner?"

Me: "Let's do something different this year."

Her: "Oh. So which is it: You don't like what I cook or you don't like the way I cook it."

Me: "That's a false dichotomy - there are other options. And besides, why do you ask if you don't want an answer?"

Her: "You're right, baby."

At least I got to dream I was eating hot wings and bacon tacos for Thanksgiving...

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

C, describing David Bowie's character in Labyrinth:

"He's really cool. He has a great voice and a great act and I love the way his hair sticks straight up."

- C (age eight)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Love hurts!

My wife approached me because she feels as if her words to our daughter often go unheeded. I concluded that a delicate approach was necessary:

Me: "Well, honey, perhaps she regards you more as a friend and confidant than as a mother."

Her: "Then why does she always share her problems with you and not me?"

Me: "Well, maybe that's because she doesn't want to disappoint you."

Her: "If she doesn't want to disappoint me, then why does she ignore me?"

Me: "Uh. Yes. Well, perhaps because she knows you won't resort to physical violence?"

I woke up with our daughter calmly asking when I was going to learn to listen to mommy.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "What are you doing to your toes?"

C: "Spreading them out."

Daddy: "Mmmmkay, are you doing that because it feels good?"

C: "No. I'm doing it because it feels fun."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Her: "Hey, why can't I play poker with you and the boys?"

Me: "Because you don't know how to play."

Her: "Then why don't you teach me?"

Me: "Because if I try to teach you, you will hurt me."

Her: "Oh, you're silly. Just teach me."

Me: "Ok, we'll each put $150 in that bowl and count out the chips in denominations of $10, $5 and $1. Let's start at the beginning. Poker is not a game of luck it is a game of skill, deceit and intimidation...a lot like marriage, right? Ha ha, just kidding. Oh shit."

I woke up attempting to digest $300 in poker chips and with a freezer full of Jeni's ice cream.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

"If you didn't have a nose your throat would hurt all the time."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

As my wife and I approached a red traffic light another vehicle cut us off, forcing me to slam on the brakes, and then settled comfortably into the Pole Position in front of us. Fuming at the sight of the vehicle's operator clearly holding a dainty pink mobile phone against a mane of long blonde hair, I rolled down the driver's side window and leaned out...

Me: "I hope you're firing your 80's hairdresser on that cellphone you stupid little bleached blonde bitch!"

Me (looking over at my wife's rigid face): "Sorry honey. I know that was sexist. Please don't get angry. I've heard you say worse."

Her: "Yes, but when I say things like that, I'm usually not talking to what appears to be a 400 pound professional wrestler."

I woke up wondering how my wife had managed to get my lungs back in.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Love hurts!

When a woman sets sexual boundaries, it might be wise to regard them as actual boundaries...

I woke up tied to the bed and marveling at the fact that it is physically possible to tie one's tongue to one's nose, with her voice purring softly in my ear, "Just tell me when you want me to stop, baby."

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy: "Guess what happens today."

C: "What?"

Daddy: "Ohio State plays Michigan!"

C: "Really, Ohio State has to play Michigan?"

Daddy: "Yes."

C: "Do you mean like, 'The Ohio State team versus the Michigan team' or 'Ohio State players have to dress up like Michigan players'?"

- C (age eight)

Friday, November 20, 2009

Kids say the darndest things.

Daddy: "Hey C, what do Daddys do best?"

C: "I don't know."

- C (age 8)

Love hurts!

Her: "I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

Her: "I said, I swear to God I don't know how he deals with that woman!"

Me: "Huh?"

I woke up on a bus to Tucson clutching a box of Cheerios and a roll of dimes, nursing a strong conviction that the fact that she didn't really get it wasn't all that relevant.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

"Black people are funky. So mom is half funky!"

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

Me: "Honey, I'm going to eat out tomorrow night. I'll be spending a little extra this month. Hope you don't mind."

Her: "Really? Ok, baby."

Two days later I woke up to find our bedroom TV replaced by my dinner receipt and a note reading, "Hi honey! I found a way to pay for dinner. Hope you don't mind."

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

"I had a bad dream that an eraser came to life and erased my whole body."

- C (age eight)

Love hurts!

If your wife is afraid she's fat, she does not want you to tell her that she's not - that would make you a liar. She also doesn't want you to try to be accepting - that would make you patronizing. Blending the two, however, takes her mind completely off the problem.

Me: "You're not fat, honey. And, besides, I like thick thighs."

I woke up in a half-nelson leg scissor lock...five times.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Love hurts!

Honestly, I must admit to having been a little irate that she had won the argument over our vacation plans this year, and more than a little humiliated at having to turn around to get the plane tickets, which were the only items she had entrusted to my care. That was no excuse, however, for pretending not to know her when the guard at the security checkpoint asked for our boarding passes.

I woke up realizing that wives and security personnel have an understanding about people like me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Love hurts!

Her: "Whatcha doing? Can I help?"

Me (protective glasses in place, electric drill aligned and ready): "Not really. I'm using power tools, honey."

Her (letting the loose end of the power cable dangle between her fingers): "Really? Umm. Then I assume you'll want to come over and plug this in before you begin?"

Me: "Oh. Wow. Thanks, hon. No, you can handle that."

I woke up plugged in.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Love hurts!

I thought I'd surprise her by cleaning the house. That went so well that, a week later, I thought I'd surprise her be redecorating the family room...

I woke up wearing a t-shirt that said, "She's with stoopid."

Love hurts!

If you lie about going out to Buffalo Wild Wings with your friends before orally pleasuring your partner, there is a very high probability that she will find out.

I woke up...and was thankful for that.

Love hurts!

Her (whispering in the early morning): "Hold me."

Me (smiling, wrapping my arms around her warm body): "Mmmm. Ok, but I promised to have you too."

I woke up wondering why she'd never told me she knew the Wuxi finger hold.

Love hurts!

Me: "Hey baby let's do a little role play. You pretend to be a prostitute and I will be your pimp."

Her: "Sure baby. Be right back."

She returned two hours later with $3,000 and a smile, tossed me three hundred and said, "There's your cut, baby. Let me know when you wanna do that again."

So I asked what three hundred dollars would get me.

I woke up needing exactly $300 in dental work.

Love hurts!

I was pleasantly surprised by her eager acceptance of my suggestion that we try a little "back door" sex.

I woke up with the painful realization that I could have been much more specific.

Love hurts!

My buddy told me that the best way to deal with a woman is to always answer their questions with a question.

Her: "Honey, would you like to take the garbage out?"

Me: "Do you mean today or tomorrow?"

Her: "I mean right now."

Me: "Uh, could you please put that in the form of a question?

Her: "Sure. Ground or pureed?"

I woke up a week later with a sympathy card from my buddy sitting on the nightstand next to a small bowl of warm pudding.

Love hurts!

When you think you won the argument is NOT the time to do the Tiger fist pump and exclaim, "Yes! Finally, one for the forces of good!"

I awoke to the sound of oriental disemboweling cutlasses being sharpened.

Kids say the darndest things.

C (watching mom and dad kiss in a restaurant): "Hey! Stop that. Don't kiss her here!"

Mommy: "Daddy can kiss me anywhere he wants."

C (pointing to her armpit): Not here!!

Love hurts!

When you decide to spice up your relationship by leaping into the bathroom dressed as a ninja just as she is exiting the shower, remember that an open stance and a frightened, cornered woman can be a very painful combination.

When I woke up she explained that the reason she had shaved my legs and dressed me up like a school girl was that the look goes better with my new voice.

Love hurts!

Just because your wife and/or girlfriend is cool enough to go to a strip club with you does not necessarily mean she's going to be cool with the suggestion that she wear the same perfume as Miss Honey Sweet.

I woke up with a strange ringing in my ears and the word "idiot" written backwards on my forehead...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Love hurts!

Her: "I don't want you love me for what's on the outside. I want you to love me for what's on the inside!"

Me: "But I do, hon! Why do you think I keep trying to get in there?"

When I woke up she was standing over me with a severely dented frying pan and a strange smile.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

"Dad! Did you just 'cut the cheese'? And was it the stinky bleu cheese?"

- C (age eight)

Monday, November 09, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "Ok, I'm gonna go throw myself in the shower. Be sure you're ready to go to school when I get back down stairs."

C: "How about I throw you in the shower?"

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad (singing the Elmer Fudd song in the morning): "Kill the wabbit..."

C: "Dad! Stop that, I don't like that song because it makes me think of you killing a bunny!"

Dad: "How am I going to have wabbit stew if I don't kill the wabbit?"

C: "You can't eat bunnies!"

Dad: "Sure you can. People eat wabbit stew all the time!"

C: "That's just RUDE. Cute little fuzzy bunnies..."

Dad: "Well, then it's a good thing for world cuisine that cows aren't cute."

C: "What's a 'cuisine' and why would I want one?"

- C (age eight)

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

Dad: "So you want to get a haircut, hmm?"

C: "No, Dad. A hair trim!"

Dad: "Oh. Well that's ok then."

C: "Ok. Tell mom I said goodbye and I love her."

Dad: "Ok."

- C (age eight)

Friday, November 06, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

"Look, Dad! My pinkness matches my pants!"

- C (age eight)

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Kids say the darndest things!

Daddy sometimes lets C pound nails into scrap wood in the garage.

C: "Daddy, what do they call it when you're building things out of wood?"

Daddy: "It's called woodworking."

C (looking down at the strange configuration she has nailed together): "Oh. Well, this wood isn't working."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

"I like the way my shadow looks better than I do."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

C: "Dad, Spock is really smart. But not because he uses all the big words. It's 'cuz he uses logic."

Daddy: "Excellent. Captain Kirk is very smart too, did you know that?"

C: "Yeah, he's a genius, but he's CRAZY."

- C (age eight)

Kids say the darndest things!

Ok, this one needs some background. We ran out of TP today and C goes into the bathroom and, upon discovering this, issues the standard call for help: "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!" I go in, find that we're actually completely out and give her a box of Puff's Ultra tissues (the kind with moisturizer), telling her to use these instead. I walk out, shut the door. 10 minutes later:


Daddy: "Yes, sweetie?"

C: "This feels really good on my butt!"

- C (age eight)